The Golden Apple Effect
by thelilacfield
Summary: In which Teddy is confused, James is unhelpful and the Weasley girls  and Louis  have something in common...for a change.


My entry for the second round of the Fanfiction Idol Competition! And, this time, I'm not late! :D

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><p><span>The Golden Apple Effect<span>

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all Weasley girls (and Louis) must dote irrevocably on the turquoise-haired one, a Mr. Teddy Lupin, for the duration of their teenage years and, in the case of some, twenties.

…

Like many crazes with the Weasley girls (the boys' one and only craze was an enormous crush on Gwendolyn Jones of the Holyhead Harpies) the fad of the crush on Teddy Lupin started with Victoire and ended with Lily.

Victoire's crush became apparent when she was barely ten years old and followed the thirteen year old Teddy around, 'flirting' in a manner that consisted of batting her starfish-mascaraed eyelashes a lot and screwing up her face in futile attempts to wink flirtatiously.

As for Lily, she was rather a _lot _more obvious, yet more accomplished in flirting despite being eight years younger than Victoire. When she was thirteen she had steered Teddy under the mistletoe and planted a long kiss on Teddy in front of everyone. Victoire had _not _been impressed.

Dominique and Molly had fallen in love around the same time. Two very different yet rather similar girls, they had made a deal to both flirt with Teddy and the first to kiss him would take him, the other relinquishing their right without fuss. Unfortunately, both kissed him at a drunken celebration of their grandparents' fortieth anniversary and, as everyone had been completely smashed, a referee could not be called in. So, alas, the fight continued.

Lucy, always the quietest, had crushed on Teddy from afar, painted his tawny eyes in glowing portraits and written terribly gushing poems, hidden away in her lucky drawer. Meanwhile Rose, despite dating Scorpius and spending various nights in broom cupboards with each of the Scamander twins in turn, fell for Teddy's you-can't-have-me-ness and flirted shamelessly with him at every family gathering. And meanwhile, Roxanne fell in love with her Lancelot and waved to him on open stable days.

Overwhelmed by all the female attention, Teddy turned to James, his closest friend, for advice. As usual, James was as helpful as a chocolate teapot at a busy family gathering.

"Get them all pregnant," he advised, blowing perfect smoke rings into Teddy's face. "Then they'll all hate you and you can go after Louis."

"I'm not gay!" Teddy shouted, nearly tearing his hair out in frustration. "Why can't you ever be helpful?"

"One of my talents is being hopelessly unhelpful, mate," James said, taking a long drag on his fag. "Want one?"

"I gave up," Teddy said shortly. James rattled the packet under his nose and, with one thought of six women all wanting him and his body, Teddy had grabbed a fag and taken a long drag.

"So much for that idea!" James chuckled, blowing more smoke rings. "I think you broke your own record this time, Teddy. What was that, seven days before you were tearing my throat out for fags?" Muttering darkly under his breath, Teddy retorted by flicking ash into James' hair.

"Excuse me, are you smoking?" Albus asked, walking in with bare feet and a thick book in one hand. "You know how Mum feels about you smoking, James."

"Mum doesn't live with me anymore, you plonker," James retorted, blowing another plume of smoke towards the ceiling. "I reserve the right to turn my lungs into tar pits."

"I don't like it getting in my clothes," Albus said primly. "And as for you, Teddy, shame on you! I though you'd quit, you promised this time!"

"I went back on my promise," Teddy murmured, hanging his head in shame.

"For the fifty-hundredth time this year," James muttered. Albus just rolled his eyes at the pair of them and vanished back into his mysteriously tidy bedroom.

After a few minutes, he returned again, holding an apple in his hand. "Teddy, I couldn't help but hear of your predicament and I have an idea." He held up the apple and Teddy was amazed to see it had turned gold.

"You mean I should be like Paris and choose who is the most beautiful?" he asked, his throat suddenly feeling very dry. "They'll all kill me!"

"Au contraire," Albus said with a superior smile. "I have a secret plan. Tomorrow we're having a family gathering and all the girls will be there. You will tell them what you are going to do and consider it for a long time. Then, you simply pick one and the others accept it."

The next day, Teddy was roaming around the Burrow with a golden apple weighing his pocket down, nervously darting into different rooms or shadowy corners every time one of the girls walked past.

They spilled in a colourful, chattering throng into the garden, where older couples drifted towards the pond and the orchard, talking in low voices and holding hands. Hugo and Fred raced each other to the gnome patch, where for the next hour the roar of angry gnomes and Hugo's yelps of pain would echo.

As for the girls, all of them congregated around the most private side of the house, waiting with eager smiles for Teddy. Gulping nervously, he removed the apple from his pocket and looked around at the assembled seven. Molly, Rose, Lily and Dominique, the redheads, stood together with similar seductive smiles while the Victoire, Molly and Roxanne floated around the edges of the group.

"Wait for me, wait for me!" came a shout, and a tall blonde rocketed around the edge of the house and climbed the nearest tree. Louis sat comfortably halfway up, swinging his legs.

"Louis, honestly, do you fancy Teddy too?" Lily asked, looking up at her cousin. "There's not enough room in this family for eight people after one guy!" Teddy let out a strangled noise, but was largely ignored.

"Are you gay?" Roxanne asked, blunt and tactless as ever. Louis looked down at her through overlong blonde hair with a smirk on his face.

"I'm not saying that I'm gay, no, that's not my confession, it's just a heterosexual man crush, bordering on obsession!" he shouted in a rather annoying sing-song manner.

"Louis, shove off," Lily said, with a green-eyed glare towards her blindingly smiling cousin. "You're as straight as Rose's hair, now leave."

"I resent that statement!" Rose shouted, but was ignored.

"This is just for us girls," Victoire most kindly informed her brother, pouting in a manner she believed made her look attractive. She was wrong - it made her look like a blonde fish.

"You look like a blonde fish," Molly observed, lighting a fag with a temperamental lighter than very nearly set Victoire's hair on fire. "With boobs."

"I'm going to win this thing," Dominique declared, curling her eyelashes around her wand and fluttering them experimentally. "My horoscope said to expect great victory."

"You set too much stock in what the stars say," Molly chided. "I, on the other hand, was told I'd win by a fortune cookie." Everyone present rolled their eyes.

"Ahem…well, I'm going to pick one of you," Teddy said. "Everyone who doesn't get picked must accept the verdict without complaint."

"And what do we get if you pick us?" Louis asked, fluttering his eyelashes.

"A golden apple!" Teddy announced, holding the charmed fruit up so it caught the sunlight.

"Is that _it_?" Lily asked in disgust. "Really? Not even a kiss and cuddle with you?"

"There may be _other _benefits to being chosen as the winner," Teddy said with a wink. Immediately all the girls began to arrange themselves to best show off their…_assets_.

Teddy looked around at them all, tossing the golden apple from hand to hand, shaking with nervousness. _How on earth do I choose?_

Dominique looked up from under her lashes at him, letting her skirt fall slightly open to display bare thigh. _I will excite you more than any of the other contestants_.

Roxanne smiled seductively at him, leaning against the tree with her hands behind her head. _I'm the bad apple in this bunch_.

Lily stared at him straight on with an arrogant green gaze, freckled arms crossed across her chest. _Of course he'll choose me_.

Victoire pouted and blew kisses, tossing her hair and repeatedly crossing and uncrossing her legs. _He must choose me, obviously_.

Rose winked cheekily at him and grinned, cart wheeling across the grass to display long thin legs. _I'll give you some fun, baby boy_.

Molly crossed her legs daintily and swung them back on forth, perched on the wall with a smirk on her lips. _I may look mild, but, boy, I can be wild_.

Lucy sat crossed-legged on the grass, head tilted and smiling shyly at him, a blush tinting her cheeks. _I know you won't pick me, but it would be nice if you would_.

And Louis waved at him from halfway up the tree, grinning and tossing his sleek mane of gold. _You should most definitely pick me_.

"I have made my final decision!" Teddy announced, holding the fruit up again. All of them sat or stood up straight, ears pricked, eagerly awaiting his results. "The fairest person in this field is…"

"Me!" Victoire shrieked, stepping forward.

"No, me!" Lily roared, running forward with hands outstretched.

"Me!" "Me!" "Me!" "Me!"

"Actually, it's me," Teddy said smugly. He bit into the apple and walked off, leaving seven shell-shocked girls and one very amused boy to flop down onto the grass and wonder what Teddy himself had that they didn't.

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><p>I hope you enjoyed it :) As per usual, please don't favourite without reviewing, thankee very much :D<p> 


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